So I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to every mother in the world. I’m sorry. I thought I knew. I had nannied an infant for a year and a half, been a nursery/childcare coordinator at a church for two years, and even taught preschool for a few years. To me, I thought I had a jumpstart on what it took to be a mother. Children weren’t new to me… They have been apart of my world for quite a while now. But up until a little more than nine months ago, I KNEW NOTHING.
All of the thoughts. All of the analyzing. All of the questions. All of the worrying. All of the decisions. IT NEVER STOPS. And to top it off, you get to do all of this with little to no sleep. I went to grad school where sleep was very minimal and I thought I knew what exhaustion was. But nope. Grad school has got nothing on motherhood.
Should I let him sleep in the swing? Am I creating a sleep prop? When does he sleep in his crib? Will he ever be able to sleep on his own now? Will I be rocking him to sleep when he’s 15? Is it normal that he sleeps through the night so early? Wait, why is he not sleeping through the night anymore? How much should I feed him? Am I feeding him too much? Is he crying because he’s hungry? When does he eat table food? Is he going to choke? Why isn’t he crawling yet? Should I be encouraging him more? Does he pay too much attention to the TV? Do I need to read him more books? Am I making him dumb? Do I hold him too much? Should I force a pacifier on him? Is he sucking his thumb? Should I make him stop? Is he too much of a mama’s boy? Should I let him have teething crackers? Am I giving him too many teething crackers? Does he nap enough? When should he drop one of his naps? Why is he crying????
IT NEVER STOPS. And yes, some of my questions are beyond ridiculous. Some of my thoughts are even more ridiculous. And the amount of times I google things is the most ridiculous of all. (Nick has definitely cut off my googling rights at times. Rightly so.) It is just like the moment that your precious little baby enters the world, your mind and heart and everything in you just becomes so overwhelmed TO GET THIS RIGHT. This little human is looking to you for everything. And the love that you have for this little human is huge. More than huge. So by goodness, you want to make sure everything is done PERFECTLY.
But here’s the thing that I just keep learning through this whole journey. It will never be perfect. Never. There will be times that he will cry because he’s fussy. There are times that he will wake up at night and the reason will not be known on this side of Heaven. There are even going to be times that he pays attention to the TV (oh the horror!). Life is just going to happen.
AND THAT IS OKAY. Because God is bigger. And gives me grace everyday to figure out this whole motherhood thing (which really is WONDERFUL and FANTASTIC). He is the one who entrusted me with this little guy after all. So more than anything, my biggest goal everyday is pointing Caleb to Jesus. My biggest desire for his life is for him to KNOW AND LOVE JESUS.
So mamas everywhere, I see you. I might not have noticed you as well before in all of my naivety, but I see you now. And boy am I grateful for you and your wisdom and encouragement and especially your prayers. Because God is bigger than our concerns, worries, tears, and exhaustion. He loves our little people more than we ever even could. So it’s best if we just trust in Him, right? I’m praying for you, mamas. And you promise to pray for me. God’s got this.